I rely on my brain to explain the world to me because sensing the world is so..much. It's why it seemed reasonable to use my brain to...

This sounds like such a small thing. But for me, a decision like this is difficult. It is so ingrained in me to not do anything that will garner attention that something as unremarkable as turning off my camera during a co-writing session can cause me distress. It feels wrong for me to change what I'm doing midstream in a other-people-can-see-me situation. It really tells me how closely I pay attention to what other people might think.⁠

Because we live in a world that doesn't accommodate how our brains work, we don't learn how to operate our brains.

I didn't know that I was working so hard on getting well that I wasn't ever BEING WELL.

That inner back and forth is based in compliance, years of growing up when I wasn't the way that school/society needed me to be.

It feels like I have been operating without a manual my whole life. Like someone assembled me but then forgot to include the instructions.