Getting diagnosed meant I could run my life again- that my system could stop trying to assimilate and I could run free.

Being labeled gifted meant I was smart enough to know better—but I didn’t. I couldn’t. And no one ever told me how. I see now that the system didn’t want complexity, it wanted compliance. My kids and I were punished not for failing, but for not fitting. We were called problems, when really, we just didn’t belong to the way things were done. It took me decades to realize: I was never the problem. The system was.

It has felt, for most of my life, like I'm living in a world where everyone else got a manual. Where people just know how to socialize, how to behave, what's fair and what isn't. Who's in charge. When the rules apply and when they don't. I've always felt like I speak the language enough to get by— but never quite enough to feel at home.

"It's an odd thing to be someone who feels so much but who cannot feel. My feelings and emotions are so strong, it has taken decades of training to make them compliant, soft spoken, submissive. Whispers. In some ways this way does feel better. In some ways this feels worse. As a person who is intense and likes it, I miss my strong feelings self."

On Mother's Day, I made biscuits and gravy at my house, roused the kids, and we took two separate cars over to my parents house. I woke up at 5am to do my daily routine that I do every day except Saturday -when I sleep in- usually that means I sleep until maybe 6am, but I like having a morning that feels free like that. I was also feeling good, and happy that I have this morning routine that is such a huge support to me.

It might seem small, but these little gestures of care and support are the things that build an inner knowing. They make it easier to understand ourselves, and to hear all the parts of our lives. When we don't dismiss ourselves, we don't feel dismissed! Our needs and wants then become a whole idea that has shape, texture, and substance rather than being one arbitrary decision after another.