Yesterday I had a long leisurely lunch with a dear friend to celebrate her birthday. We both showed up in our overalls , I finally have...

I've been promising myself I was going to quit drinking for as long as I can remember. Journals from my early twenties until now all declare my intent to give up booze and start living. My most fervent wish in all these writings is to give up alcohol. And why, why it clicked on that day? And did it?

I have been a mushy person, and I am not a mushy person. I liquified so I could belong, I lost my inner authority, I had no point of view. I acted agreeable. And now, now I want to act like myself. What does that mean? I am a person who got lost. I forgot what I stand for, and so I forgot to stand for it. I was afraid if I stood for myself I would be left behind. I was told I would be.

Showing my self is something I stopped doing after the day I got called 'Underwear Girl' at my best friends house when I was five years old. The systems that taught that boy to make fun of me, to make either of us feel like we're a problem-that’s what I’m done with. I want to live in a way that refuses to exchange self-abandonment for belonging, one that doesn’t flinch when I’m being perceived.

I'm not sure what to write about this week- I have several topics swimming around in my head. So maybe I'll just write a little about them all.

Getting diagnosed meant I could run my life again- that my system could stop trying to assimilate and I could run free.