There is enough

Yesterday I had a long leisurely lunch with a dear friend to celebrate her birthday. We both showed up in our overalls, I finally have some that fit thanks to this very same friend. She immediately complimented me on how cute my new ones looked, and then as we were making our way into the restaurant a woman walking by complimented both of us on how great our overalls were. We got yummy arepas, sat outside in the randomly lovely early August NC weather and talked for three hours at a tilted table.

On my drive home I had a pang, I started feeling wistful, wishing I had told my friend how beautiful I thought she looked, that I'd thanked her more clearly for telling me where she got her great overalls so I could get some for myself, and how much I appreciated her knowing things like comfy overalls are important to me. I had a wonderful time...but I left with the nagging feeling that I'd missed the opportunity to put my armor down some more. I felt a longing to have expressed more admiration for my friend, and I felt my lukewarm reception to admiration expressed towards me. I felt a longing to feel more deeply connected.

Connection and how we connect has been on my mind most of the time lately. That started when my oldest got into her first relationship at 20, three months ago.

The way she and her girlfriend talked about what they wanted, what they were looking for, what was okay and not okay while they were deciding how they wanted to be in relationship- how they wanted to connect. It's so different than the way I learned to do it- mostly my way was: get hammered and be with whomever is nearby, then try to make a long term relationship out of that. There was not any talk about what we wanted, what we were looking for, if we were well matched. There wasn't sharing of expectations, needs, or mutual admiration- unless you count how you can admire someone because they can drink as much as you and then that becomes the basis of your relationship.

I roll it around in my mind. The risk of having needs that you say out loud, the longing for being liked and loved, choosing someone because you admire them, not because they can get drink like you do, but because they inspire you, you are curious about them, plus you like who you are and who they are when you're together. Whoa. That has been in my face in such a good way for months now, I am truly amazed at how mature they are, how good their relationship is. They spend a lot of time at our house, not needing to hide things from each other or me. It is so fucking cool. They are not ashamed of how they feel, no performances, no games, no hiding out or acting as if. It's just all out there in plain sight, these things you can't hold but can see: Admiration. Care. Like. Love. Connection, unashamed.

And so I can't stop thinking about connection. What it is about me that has made it feel so hard to do. Is it just...me? Is it because I feel like I'm not enough? If I believe I am enough will I feel more able to connect? Is that the thing? So if I believe I am enough, tell myself you are enough, then will I be able to do what I think connection is: freely and securely sharing and bonding mentally and emotionally? I'm not so sure it's up to only me believing I'm enough. For so long the "you are enough" thing hasn't felt like quite what I needed, and I haven't really understood why.

But I think I'm starting too.

There's a way that social thinking homogenizes experience, it blends elements until we find the result of sameness defining our ideas about ourselves, when sometimes it's in the same ballpark but not the same thing. This is what happened with "You are enough". It caught on as a way to reassure ourselves that we are worthy of getting what we need, just as we are. Sometimes things like this feel like a personal growth hurry up and shut up, you're enough, enough already.

But there's another way to think about enough, and for me it's "there is enough". It's more complex. So I want to add it to the ideas about enough. And here's why:

What if I don't feel like I am not enough? If I feel like I am enough, then maybe I just don't always feel like there is enough for me. This is where "there is enough" comes in.

I think I have felt like I need to keep the admiration, care, like, and love I have, because if I give some away then there won't be enough for me. So, for example, my friend tells me I look cute, I need to hold that, because if I tell her she does too I am now at a deficit of admiration. Because admiration is finite. There is only so much to go around. Not enough.

Logically I know this is not true, but sensically I do not. And this makes me hoard things like admiration. Also things like love, care, and connection. I keep them to myself because if I share them with someone else then I won't have any left for me. And, I also feel uncomfortable taking them from others because I don't want them to do without.

I probably don't have to tell you this is not very connective. It's interesting, because I am good at talking about relationships and life, people think I am very comfortable loving and being loved and connecting. I am here to tell you right now that the kind of openness it takes to connect like my daughter and her girlfriend do is really hard for me. It feels so uncomfortable, and that's because I don't feel a sense of there is enough.

I probably also don't have to tell you this is because of the way I grew up. Love was not freely given and in abundance, that's not what my parents were taught, nor what they taught me. It was hey listen, there is one cracker here and so we're going to save it for later. Now stop bothering me. DON'T ASK ME AGAIN THIS IS ALL WE HAVE. Connection became a scarcity. There is not enough to go around.

I didn't get it. I was little, and hungry, and didn't understand how to count.

But sadly, I learned.

I learned to hoard my connectings too. I learned to keep my cards close to my chest while still playing the game. I learned to not take the last piece of pie, even when it was offered with real generosity, even when people said please and pleaded, I said no thank you, I'm not hungry.

Oh, but y'all, I was hungry. I was so damn hungry. I would act like I'm fine, thank you. I would pretend that I did not need things like care. Like help. Like admiration. And then I drank at my broken heart, hey listen, there is one cracker here and so we're going to save it for later. Now stop bothering me. DON'T ASK ME AGAIN THIS IS ALL WE HAVE. I lost the thread of "there is enough".

I don't know why it finally clicked for me yesterday, the idea that people actually want my care, my love, want my admiration. And that I want theirs. I don't know why I sensed that I need to share more about how much I admire and appreciate my friend, that I could show more of the pleasure I felt when she told me my overalls were cute. It's like my little feely feelers finally feel strong enough to be able to connect and then disconnect in ways that feel relational and not like hiding, hoarding, or stealing. Like there's no need for sneaking- there is enough.

I realized: there is enough love, care, kindness, wonder, and admiration for all of us to feel pretty fucking good about ourselves. There is an endless supply of it, and we can stand next to one another, cups overflowing, laughing with glee. That I can say, wow, you are an incredible writer to someone, and that doesn't mean I automatically become a worse writer. There is not only one good writer cracker, if I give it to someone else it doesn't mean I don't have one anymore. It means now we both have one.

And if, when I say that, they say it back to me, I am not taking their cracker! They can say it, and we still both have crackers. Because there are enough crackers.

For me, right now, "I am enough" seems like it rushes past the thing I really need to know first: there is enough. As long as there is enough, I can get what I need. And then, because there is enough, I can be enough.