Gasping For Air: Quitting Drinking

I woke up hungover again on Friday, December 7, 2012. I struggled to reach consciousness multiple times. The kids came in, reminding me of the french toast I had promised to make. I mumbled a goodbye as my husband took them to school. The night before, I indulged in who knows how many beers and cigarettes.

By 12:40 PM, I finally got out of bed. My day off felt mostly gone. I felt sad because I missed the chance to help my oldest practice his spelling words. He had a classroom spelling bee that day. I felt suffocated by a truth that was big and glaring: "You must quit drinking or you will lose it all."

For as long as I can remember, I’ve promised to quit drinking. My journals from my early twenties to now declare my intent to give up booze and start living. Above all, I want to give up alcohol. But that day, I questioned if I truly had taken the first step. Was I simply on day three of sobriety, only to cave at day five? It always seemed so easy to justify.

"You deserve it," I would tell myself. "Everyone isn’t perfect." I would reason that my drinking was only on weekends, maybe once or three times a week. "Big deal," I thought. But deep down, I knew better. The kids didn't notice when I was half drunk during bath time. My husband likely didn't realize I was a few drinks away from blacking out by the time he got home. I could still manage to get up for work, or save my binges for nights when the kids were occupied. "They’d rather be playing video games anyway," I convinced myself.

This time felt different. I called in sick to work for two days, not from a hangover, but as a tender gesture to myself. I realized pretending that "life is normal" wasn’t going to work anymore. I am terrified—no, TERRIFIED—that I can't stay sober. I fear I will stumble and fall into my own fabricated gutter time and again, consumed by loneliness and shame.

My broken self hunched over in front of my two beautiful children, who will grow up to be amazing people in spite of me, not because of me.

I turned to blogs written by people who have faced similar struggles. Reading their stories helps immensely. I always do better when I have something to read, something that offers a layer of healing for my chaotic mind. One day, I took a leap and emailed an author from one of these blogs. To my delight, she emailed me back!

Her words touched me deeply and showed me that I am not alone. There are countless people who have walked this rocky path. Together, we can find strength and support in each other.

I am tired of hiding and afraid to admit I have a serious problem with alcohol. It's a big one. I cannot drink if I want my life to shine. It really is that simple. I want to be sober, alive, and free.