Finishing the Inner Argument

Whatever you want to call them- voices, parts- my inner narrative is almost constantly at odds with one another. I grew up with parents who argued all the time, so this back and forth is nothing new to me. "Right fighters" I believe is the term used to describe the way they fought; they weren't so much as fighting for an actual cause as they were to be the one who wins.

This is the way my inner arguments feel. It feels like my inner directors are trying to be the one who wins instead of trying to make informed decisions. The thing is...these arguments don't ever really seem to get somewhere. It's a tired script of same old same old. Is it like this for you too? Where you find yourself caught in the same conversation with yourself over and over again a thousand times a day for your whole life? Jesus.

I realized something, and that something is this: we never finish the inner argument. We never get to resolution! A begrudging choice is made, but no one is ever satisfied. Compromise is great, unless protracted compromise is the way you make every decision.

And my inner compromises feel...flimsy. More of a way to stop the noise than to actually understand what's going on. I think this has to do with understanding my body language, and how it relates to my thinking. What if I could get these two sides to talk?

My first thought was: we'll be here forever! Lol. My second was: my inner convos need more. They are driven by habits and patterns, not by presence or realness.

So many of these internal talks feel fraught. Urgent. Frantic, dug in. All of this happens in split seconds- a lifetime of inner debate and arguing means we are really good at it, even though most of the time it takes too much energy and ends up being so frustrating and diverting. And, these things go unfinished, so there's not evidence to turn to in the next case, there's no precedent because none has been established because we never finish the inner argument. Our inner dialogue doesn't just happen the way it happens, it was made that way.

It only seems like we do come to a stopping point because most of the time an action has to be taken. It's decision by force rather than making an educated one. I really want to figure this out, because it would be so helpful to not have to hold space for these internal disagreements all day. I understand it's all an ongoing conversation, yet at the same time, we don't have to debate everything.

Or... is that just what being neurocomplex is about? Is that just part of the inner landscape? The back and forth, my ADHD brain wants this, my autistic brain wants that- and they often don't agree...like siblings? How can I help them have some compassion and willingness to see and hear the other part of them which is also them? Also, could it maybe not have to stop being a debate, but just be a more pleasant one?!?

Well, first, they didn't know they were here separately, and so it might help them to know themselves for who they are and what they need. After all, they may not know that they can take care of each other and still get their own needs met. So, if they stop trying to win and start trying to care it might be different.

How can an established system learn to do things differently? To me, the first step in that endeavor is finding the willingness to be changed. Not the want to change- the willingness to be changed.

Willingness is an interesting thing- and want often overshadows it. It's like there are initial ideas that suck up all the oxygen in the room, and then there are the actual ideas that make things happen, and so often we get trapped by the initial ideas and exhausted by them so there's no energy for things like willingness after the wild ride of want and/or win.

I get so tired out by the beginning of the inner argument that I don't have the capacity for the rest of the story, when the rest of the story is actually the most important part of the story!

The dreaded spiral of inner argument might be slowed or moved along by being able to ask ourselves "what's the rest of this story?"

What does that look like?

The first thing that comes to mind is letting the inner argument become a conversation. This is where the curiosity comes in. Taking the time to let it be a conversation and unspool the spiral. I *think* this will take too long, but that's only because I have a false sense of urgency that has me rushing past my life instead of doing things like this: living.

I have plenty time for this. I'm talking like a minute or two here. What would it be like to take a moment to decide? To play out the rest of the story when the inner argument ramps up...it might look like this:

I don't want to get up.

Get up.

I don't want to.

Get up.

Oh, ok...wait...

Here's where I'm mad and dig in.

What's the rest of the story?

I don't want to get up because I'm warm and cozy.

I want to get up because

I want to do my morning stuff

and I know if I don't it will bother me all day.

If I get up,

I will be frustrated

because I wanted to stay cozy.

It makes sense that you want to stay cozy- me too!

But if I don't get up,

it will weigh on me all day

and I'll feel totally behind.

Oh, right.

I know, that sucks.

It sucks to get out of cozy bed,

but feeling behind all day sucks more.

Would you be willing to get up so we can have a better day?

Yes, let's stretch and get up.

That feels like care to me. It feels supportive and like I'm making a choice rather than just trying to shut myself up. Like I'm actually having a conversation that helps me know what to do instead of just rushing myself to get on with it.

It might seem small, but these little gestures of care and support are the things that build an inner knowing. They make it easier to understand ourselves, and to hear all the parts of our lives. When we don't dismiss ourselves, we don't feel dismissed! Our needs and wants then become a whole idea that has shape, texture, and substance rather than being one arbitrary decision after another.

I need that. I need the time and the meaning and the full picture so I can get behind my impulses and see what they're doing, usher them in rather than fight with them. Being in fight/flight over small things like getting out of bed or deciding to go for a run or not is a drag. And it hurts my relationship with myself because I'm just like my parents were when I was little- arguing all the time.

It is not loving to argue with myself all the time. It makes life noisy and hard and annoying to be doing battle with myself most of the time. And I don't want to fight. I want to be curious. Interested. Not trying to win a battle with myself, because even if I win, I also lose.

It's loving to hear myself out. To take the time to see what I actually need rather than let my prediction machine mind scrape me along. For so long, no one would listen to me talk, didn't want to hear what I had to say. I was too much, too sensitive, didn't make sense- you know, all the old favorites. And so I started shutting myself down too. Bickering instead of listening.

No more.

I am interested.

Paying attention. Patient. I am willing to hear the whole conversation- and not avoid conflict or arguing- but go through it and resolve it as a gesture of care and solidarity with myself, my identities, and my place in the world.